Wednesday, December 02, 2009

it's time to prepare your heart and home for Jesus' birthday!

i know this is a day late, but I'm hoping that my good friend Martha will understand that i was a little bit busy chopping deer into little bits yesterday.


i think that if we start right now, we can probably catch up on this list~ i know that I'm going to really try!

MARTHA STEWART’S HOLIDAY CALENDAR:

December 1~Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

December 2~Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3~Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine tails. Flog gardener.

December 4~Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5~Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6~Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7~Debug Windows XP.

December 8~Create snow sculpture replica of Bethlehem at the birth of Christ.

December 9~Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 10~Lay Faberge egg.

December 11~Erect ice skating rink in front yard using spring water I bottled myself. Open for neighborhood children’s use. Create festive mood by handmaking snow and playing my Christmas album.

December 12~Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 13~Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 14~Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade ‘holiday scents’ in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 15~Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 16~Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 17~Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers.

December 18~Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guests will be same height when sitting at their assigned seats.

December 19~Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive touch to the pasture.

December 20~Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and cinnamon sticks.

December 21~Float votive candles in toilet.

December 22~Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 23~Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 24~Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 25~Alphabetize all the Christmas gifts for family and friends and cross-reference by color and size.

December 26~Write and mail Christmas thank-you notes. Order cards for next Christmas. Estimate number of cards needed by allowing for making new friends and actuarially appropriate death rates for current friends and relatives.

December 27~Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 28~Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 29~Hand sew 365 quilts, each using 365 material squares I weaved myself used to represent the 365 days of the year. Donate to local orphanages.

December 30~Release flock of white doves, each individually decorated with olive branches, to signify desire of world peace.

December 31New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that time zone.

2 comments:

Angie said...

Hehe...that's hilarious!

Octamom said...

Looks like I'm right on schedule this year....;o)


love this--hilarious!
Blessings!

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